Was to be loved.

As a child writing run away farewell notes

thats where I was headed:

Some imaginary place where I was wanted,

belonged,

heard,

accepted…

and again as a teen

lying about my age

playing chess to connect

the only flowers

I didn’t orchestrate;

A valentines day

that ended that lie.

Again when I found her

a husband

I thought his kids

could include me, too.

Alas, it never accrued.

Now she says he just isn’t able to.

I thought maybe

marriage for me

would grant my needs

but now I see that was never an option.

‘Friends’ came and went

once I was spent:

TOO MUCH!!!

they cried out,

after ignoring my spoken limits

once pushed my buttons

repeatedly, laughing…

But sure, it was me

or really, my disabilities.

One even told me

how he had punished me

by exclusion 

when he happened to be near.

He would tell me

where he took the other girls he dated;

(Well more than one guy did this!)

Though only one

had the gall

to walk five feet behind me

complaining about my not sexing him up

to the poly woman who was…

•••••••••••••••••••••••••

It was all a fantasy

that anyone needed

or could ever want me.

I have nothing to offer:

this sick body,

meager knowledge,

moderate artistry…

the cooking an explorative joke

to all but me.

So you see,

all I ever wanted

can never be.

I was not born

to have a home.

Forced to wander.

roaming unchosen

until my sickness ends me;

Thank goodness 

it will be sooner than the majority.