I was out sitting by the beach the other day initially minding my own business when one person spoke increasingly loud as they gossiped. The phrase that glued in my brain was:

“If anyone had done that to me, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell anybody!”

My skin crawled at the self shame hidden under the choice to shame another.

See, when victims stay silent it’s a sign of taking responsibility for something someone else chose to do.

When society silences those who suffer at the hands of another, they are choosing to force the burden on the person who was targeted and wounded. 

That means they are choosing to not only protect the predator, but also their crimes are being forgiven and allowed to go without social punishment, not even casually gossiped shame.

Not only that, but anyone who chooses such a bold stance to shame a victim into silence is announcing pain they want kept hidden. The story of harm clearly woke their experience, however dissimilar, and spurned their need to repress it.

This is a sign they haven’t really survived it as trauma processed and accepted doesn’t hold the power to control behavior anymore.

So I sat and mourned the person’s experience for them. Just for a moment. 

Then I refocused on how story telling was how humans have for generations guided each other away from dangers.

That even after harm has occurred a voice in protest announced to the rest that it was wrong, and such behavior patterns represent danger along with evidence that the perpetrator was the one to actually hold the shame.