Entitled to abuse?

I’ve been shamed by others many times for a fawn response to abuse. One total stranger even approached me a few years back to out of no where interject in my dog walk saying, “I hit them back!” Not that I had ever shared with her about my abuse or really anything about me at all…

Which is another layer of proof my abusers are still punishing me for speaking up.

What’s worse is psychology joins in by calling it a trauma response. Sure, in some ways it is… in the way that the victim is conditioned to tolerate repeated abuse.

As a stubborn being that earnestly sees violence without just cause pointless that has repeatedly attempted to protect myself, not only failing due to my disability, but punished by society and the abuser worse each time I attempted; I can say without any doubt that there is a subconscious drive from all to silence the abused.

See even talking about abuse creates a pull to be empathetic and experience the harm second hand. In some it may trigger their flight trauma response. In others it musters as fight, and let me tell you how harmful it is to have a place that pretended to be safe turn on you when you’re already wounded on the ground so they can protect themselves from an imagined threat, maybe even from a social domino as being supportive of the abused is sticking out a neck into a space that may have seemed safe before.

Only it was never really safe as any abuser only needs social support, like others looking the other way, to move onto a new target. A neck not out is a head in submission and fear of being abused too. 

In other words, anytime an abuser is allowed to harm one, they will feel safe to harm another already showing signs of submission to their harmful behavior.

I have several lived examples where self defense in many forms has only lead to further harm, sometimes by people who never took the time to know me before taking sides based on partial information. They are as follows:

•Starting with the first time I tried to save another victim as I was witness and a child. I am talking pre-school. I have a blog on this instance, but basically I witnessed another child being held down by a group of boys, naked, while being poked at spread eagle under the playground. By the time the adult checked it out nothing was happening so I spent all of recess in time out for lying. I wasn’t. They punished me for speaking against abuse. Many children experience this silencing and doubt from adults. 

Social training to silence from the moment the mind can comprehend abuse is wrong. Noting that some are less believed than others for life. Autistics and women are more likely to be doubted by authority figures.

•Another time I was being repeatedly attacked by a group of girls from the moment I graduated to middle school. Finally, after three previous group (3-6 girls) confrontations including someone older attempting to fight me while another 8th grader protected me, I allowed myself to throw someone’s hands back in her face as she tried and failed to hit me. She scratched up her own face. She admitted it to the vice principal as did witnesses; but still I spent over a week in ISI (in school isolation). My repeated attacker got out in three days.

•A more divisive instance comes to being a child with a parent that was overstepping the boundaries of contact by causing harm. Bruises from tickles and holding me down, sometimes welts from belts, all dismissed by me being “sensitive”. The more I complained the worse it got. At times even openly laughed at by family when sharing the pain it caused while it continued. An insistence that it was “love” no matter the pain and that I needed to tolerate and accept that I deserved it. I was tall so I “needed” held down because she felt challenged by my height and independent emotional responses (something I now know are more intense than most humans due to MCAS).

That’s military authoritarian training for ya’ which means many people know a similar standard of childhood: silence and obedience despite individual needs. A huge part of the recently attempted to re-legalized hazing in the armed forces is the abuse getting worse when reported to authorities. (True for college club hazing abuse and jail houses, too.)

See there is an expectation for those “lowest” in whatever hierarchy applies to remain silent and tolerant no matter the pain sustained.

•That said, the same pattern repeats into adulthood. Didn’t seem to matter what horrid thing a man did to me, one even k¡lled me a few moments, they each expected me to lay there and not fight back. When I didn’t, their physical attacks increased. What’s worse is my body bruises, fractures, and tears so easily that even if I landed a punch, it was not only weaker in strength but also causes me more harm independent of their reaction. They bruise their hands on walls, and mine do when trying to get them off me. I can’t even punch a bag made for it without my hands taking serious damage, even wrapped up. 

So along with the social trained acceptance and consistent abuse, my body’s response will always remain reinforcement for fawning by the increase in injury to self. And that doesn’t even include the harm being done to my whole nervous system as stress activates MCAS, ie whole body swelling and sickness from the psychological aspects alone.

•In the instance I barely survived, I had thrown one punch which caused my ring to scratch his chin as my feet dangled off the ground by my throat. That caused his attack to escalate to throwing me to the ground, kicking me, leading to my second attempt at self defense by grabbing his balls and eventually using his knee to strangle me again. My third attempt was a psychological threat to contact the police after he threw me through a windowed door. His response was to cut himself up with the glass my jacket had protected me from and call the police first which allowed the police to believe his story, not record mine accurately, lose the photos from the incident, and eventually allowed the judge and da to dismiss my experience entirely.

The abuser was socially supported and believed more because I tried to defend myself.

•In fact, no matter the situation or how much someone claims to be my friend, the moment I call out their harmful behavior I am villainized as they expect me to submit and tolerate their harm in silence as they see me as less than regardless of our history. One guy, a “friend” from high school, would contact me months after giving me the cold shoulder for calling out his harmful behavior and tell me all about the things he could of included me in but didn’t because I spoke up in an attempt to protect myself. He would say it outright without a second thought.

This social training can be considered/ dismissed as subconscious or even a trauma response, but its really intentionally acted out and validated by those preforming the doubled abuse. (The event being primary and silencing/shaming a second layer of abuse.)

I mean its fairly obvious its a social standard when the current (and unfortunate) leader of the US backs allowing hazing/ abuse per hierarchy to return to openly occurring social behaviors, cause let’s face it, it never stopped.

Here’s the thing: when it’s socially allowed for one person to decide if someone else is worth less, then the judgements are allowed based in biased belief systems of personal discomfort (racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, nationalism, classism, job category, etc).

Not only that, it flies directly in the face of the founding of the US where individual rights were proclaimed equal (though we are terribly far from actually following through with that declaration).

So next time you hear some gossip about someone who is sharing their pain, ask yourself, “Does hierarchy and personal pain passing matter more than human rights for all?” 

As looking the other way in submission is just another way to risk your own neck/ rights, so you might as well stick it out enough to learn and stand for the truth.

Ps. Using information from the gossip/ abuser to test the victim to prove the reaction is the problem is still abuse. Abusers know exactly how to gain other’s support by sharing what hurts their target enough for an involuntary and sometimes seemingly disproportionate reaction. All anyone who does this is proving is that they too feel entitled to cause harm  to the victim without any feedback.

And remember: you’re not creating a safe environment for yourself; you’re providing social acceptance for abuse that will extend into laws, all relationships in school, families, politics, and the workplace.