Trauma terribly taxes a system’s whole: from thoughts to physical sensations, dreams to waking, real to triggered time slipping. Its funny how the body can be in the past and the voice and presentation seem present. Words become double layered jokes with self as a way to tolerate and ground to the present, all while entire systems in my body start punishment for further avoidance and detachment.

Quickly my mind abandons me. Whole thoughts dwindling to broken english at times. Trains of conversations totally crashing and switching tracks while five more play past’s movies inside my head. My body’s next to light up. So real the pressure and nervous system lightening like transportation sets fire my whole body. The shards or glass that are my back and neck seem to cut into me.

My systems determined to tell me I am in danger! Autonomically, I respond most often in fawn. Long term trauma finds this the best solution. Many -ism affected beings will recognize the people pleasing falsity that spews. Even if good intentions are meant, trustworthiness it does not emanate. It prevents overcoming the trauma cycle by not allowing true self present. I became so practiced in this that I totally lost who I was and what I wanted, even sight of what was reflecting back at me. Personal protective perspective causes more harm in the long haul.

Next for me is often a neck and neck race: fight or flee. Ashamed of how I execute these feral canine responses. Having the most common prey responses known doesn’t make me a sub, it means at one point I sacrificed myself for another’s belief set. Many of us have to survive. For ages its been assimilated into a social practice. There’s no reason to fight what you like, but I don’t. Many others drown in the same boat as I.

In fact, my condition worsens. My spine and nervous system seem to want to shift into permanent freeze. Its funny, thats a response I can count on my hands how many times I’ve suffered stuck as a trauma lapsed over me. The more trauma I face the more frequently its happening. It’s one thing internally forced to hold a tongue but now all it takes is a triggering to make my legs leave weak. Yes, I fall. My hands quit too, dropping precious things, ceasing to move finitely.

You see, a car can run for awhile when hot wired for a start, eventually the system shorts out completely unfortunately. So while I still can, I am hear to heal. (Pun intended seriously as well.) May awareness become my rewiring… and any else that seek it out. Striving to be kinder that another suffering hidden like me may have fewer sparks for passing me.