I wanted to start fresh: TW sex/rape

But thats not what I did. The moment my past was on the way I slipped into the cycle. Someone I had talked with about volunteer work invited me out drinking. I thought, just maybe I can have a little and create a connection. Then I was triggered and drinking more than an empty stomach could manage. All the elder man said what a good man he was. I had painted myself in a corner with no one else to trust.

Puking then to my car to smoke and wait. I had asked him to keep me safe and he agreed. I asked him after he had on my third drink told me with a fat smile on: Don’t worry, I am not here to get you drunk and take advantage. I laughed. Passively terrified deep inside. Probably drank more for it. Oh triggers and ptsd making common place occasions dangerous. I wrote off my inner warning as trauma and let myself trust he would.

And so he drove my car to his home. I puked more. He gave a tooth brush. Then tried to feed me, which lead to more puking. He was rubbing heavily on me. Sudden unsafe behavior from someone who had called himself a stranger even though we had for a couple months several interactions. I honestly can not count the number of triggers that happened in the period of time that crossed next. Words, touches, all mixed in the videos and sensations from preceding beings. Which as things escalated though I had refused a second brushing, said no, and interjected that I was allergic to condoms but not on birth control so we had better not… he plugged ahead. And being ignored as the ultimate trigger for knowing physical danger is next… I slipped into fawn.

I tried to disassociate. He would call me back. Forcing me into the room. Present. Asking about pleasure. But there wasn’t any. I explained the dryness as the sign we needent continue. Asked him to not spit on me. He continued despite me. “Dryness is normal with aging.” Dismissing me knowing my body which obviously defies aging in other ways. More danger warnings that speaking up would lead to hitting. He illustrated he thought he knew me better than myself while also calling himself a stranger.

Tell me how can a human know what’s best for another without spending any time getting to know them?

I passed out for a time and woke up. An hour I lay listening to his phone blowing up before the sun has found the sky. A classic warning that I lie beside someone dedicated to another. Triggered stillness worked until vomiting persisted. More sex again. As if my body felt like it. Obviously felt dead and was struggling to swallow. But the only thing he cared to listen to was if I was disassociating. Felt like ABA rape.

After extensive personal discussions and comforting, I left. Eventually coming clean about how casual wasn’t okay with me. He agreed to a date that included a tour. Seemed lovely. Day of it turned to volunteer work. My body ached but I was glad to help and have time to spend with him. Constant phones calls began. At first about the volunteer work and then some emergency with the person who had called on our previous interaction. All I knew was a excited/upset voice that spoke faster than I could track in such a tone. He was apologetic but firm. I used my phone to distract myself from the triggers determined to let myself have a chance where it was becoming clear there wasn’t one. He said something like “You know I am on this tour.”

The tour turned into grabbing food from a place nearly closed. He ignored my objections to ignoring the business boundaries. My voice unheard often falls silent as part of my trauma. I failed to even desire the food offered and let him make the choices. Next was me trying to function over my select mutism while he takes us to a bar where his friends were. He proceeded to speak more in tune with them than he had with me the whole time. Personal questions and jests. Went to get a drink, leaning close to the bartender, I became invisible. So I petted a dog, yet did so fearfully. Triggered as a constant now for nearly three hours.

I forced myself to eat. Focusing on the new flavors and textures. I loved Indian food, perhaps thats why he persisted past their boundaries before. I am currently on a very focused kick on boundary respect especially in professional settings. People aren’t servants without value just because they need employment. Anyway, he watched his game as we ate. I tried to stir conversation before returning to a game on my phone. One he had noticed before when he was using his own. I watched myself fall a notch as I matched his distraction.

Why must a doormat be made of me to be connected?

The rest of the date was an art event where he would wait until no one was near to touch and speak kindly with me. He introduced to people while he kept the majority of his conversations with them. Watching me closely when I did until I stuttered and gave up. Though I had control over which art rooms to explore he still somehow lead the conversations. But honestly at this point I was so busy chasing videos and sensations to turn off in my body I hadn’t space to engage fully with those around me.

I had gotten bad health news about my grandfather and though I knew my tour guide(which by now I was sure was all there was) had alternative evening plans, I asked him to stay and comfort. So he came to cum. And I allowed it because he said that was the only way he would stay. I really have handled enough bad news alone so I decided to submit to the exchange which indicated that it was never for or about me. Yet, the need for touch was real. I am only human. And the act had already happened.

The dryness occurred again. I offered coconut oil with the reminder of what it meant about my body. He eagerly said yes. He still didn’t believe it was a real truth about me. So I continued fawning. Stayed present as required previously. But I wasn’t. It was more like algebra 8th grade. When My eyes would stay focused on the teacher while my brain checked into a new world. In this case it was one where I was loved, wanted, and it wasn’t an exchange. Make believe to save me for the moment, but my nervous system was still very there and aware that nothing was or would be.

See I am demisexual and I have created false worlds in my imagination to stand what I attract. Repeatedly traumatizing myself with people who were obviously manipulative… perhaps because I knew there was no risk I would hurt anyone real when I equally lack the capacity to connect.

Afterwards he jested about liking to play with my mind. Like I wasn’t aware. Like I hadn’t been somewhere else. I must be a great actress. Maybe I missed my place.

The next morning after I spent the night listening to his phone blow up again, my ptsd was winning. I told him. But it was met with running and dismissal. Even though it was obvious. Eventually he admitted to wanting to teach me to be okay with casual. To this day he offers friendship. But I have been clear. And yet dumb enough to still ask for more even though it was always obvious to me that I just hit the repeat. I had found the socially connected human that would never want me and then tried to get him to. So now all the plans to engage with this new space are gone. Because its not new here. And I made sure of it on some subconscious level. Meanwhile, the idea that I am the crazy one maintains as he has made it clear he will never admit the harmful impact his choices to ignore me are accountable to him.

The mentality to avoid impact while holding intentions as the exact colonialism that created this tragic world system of abuse. So many beings holding a mask up of kindness for the majority while ignoring and controlling those they keep in private. And I just keep seeing that elders face as he proclaimed what a good guy my date was… but we are all human. We all make mistakes. ‘Goodness’ is willing to own them instead of forcing someone else carry the burden of the impact alone.

So much easier to other them. To call them crazy.

Nothing friendly about someone amused by manipulating another’s pain and needs for their own gain. Yet, he left the door open for friends…. As if it weren’t clear he never saw me as someone worthy of hearing.

I think what makes this worse than anything is the number of beings I have been friends with for long terms only to be isolated when I wouldn’t sexually be casual. As if my generation demands my body if they are to tolerate my presence. Because mind you that most my friendships have been one sided. My chasing the CPTSD way. That empathic self abandonment that had me sure that I could prove my worth by sharing my abilities, minus my body. Because even at my most traumatized, I know I have a right to how my body works naturally on its own. I wouldn’t need loving fantasies to survive the rape each time if my body functioned in casual. I have a right to be how my body is and no matter how many beings abandon me for not sharing my body: they are just showing me that there was nothing else about me they valued.

Mind you each one that I realized was using me I attempted to get away from because it was clear I wanted to make them be what they didn’t want just as they sought me to be what I didn’t seek. Because I can respect their right to casual. Their right to decide themselves… yet time and time again I find someone else exactly the same: demanding I bend to their way of life, regardless of my body’s needs for consistency. I try to respect them but they shit talk me for it more. I left a whole town for a new life and then came here and fucked it all up again. I guess my mother was right to tell me not to. Funny that it didn’t happen till she and all these memories I am drowning in were on the way. . .