On this earth this go round and I had decided I knew what was best for my beinghood. Happened to end around Valentine’s. Started with online chess. Back when chat rooms were all the rage and board games made for a lovely space for long distance exchange.

A cheeky avatar and a lie about my age came with the revamped escape plan. In my even younger years I had threatened to run away every full melt down until I stumbled upon ‘Into the wild’. The book seemed like the perfect read to establish an escape but ended with a logical reason why living alone in the woods was not a viable option… the internet seemed like an easy opportunity! But only by chance:

See I didn’t start playing chess online to find someone to date and run away to/with; it was more like a hobby that lead me to a reasonable idea, to a tween anyway. This was before the internet was wildly known for predators and I was anonymous anyway. The age a lie meant to disguise me, same as the old nickname used.

I didn’t expect to find him. To enjoy someone so deeply. He was funny and deep. I hated his job and yet found him delightful. Double my age, not that he knew. Come Valentine’s Day was my first gift. Not orchestrated by me in any way. Flowers, candy, and a small teddy bear. Sweet note of love attached. My mother was all a twitter when I got home from school.

She called him. Told him the truth. He didn’t want to speak to me again. Not at all the creep she thought he was. When I finally found a way to call him again he insisted to have no interest in me. He was sorry for my ‘situation’ but not willing to help or even stay connected. Proving he wasn’t a creep.

The following year my mother found her ‘happily ever after’. Another happenstance that lined up for a plot to make my childhood “dreams” come true. (In quotes because dreams easily turn to nightmares.)

It’s ages since way back then. I continued to plan relocation until I finally broke free recently. Here I have been over a year now and as my family comes to help me move again soon, I have been thinking about what little different I have made things:

All this space and I still choose a clean house over a dirty one, living ‘small’ so that no one might hear me, in isolation daily as if still punishing myself, staying clear of neighbors… all these miles/years in between and things are the still the same and I make it this way. No one else sits in my apartment deciding how to live but me.

All this running and for what? To find that many things that hurt me as a child I now ensure for myself as an adult? To see that even with all the hurt we exchanged my family is still coming to help me move as I have failed to make any new attachments?? Is there a way to forgive and be grateful while still choosing/being new ways??? How many counter balances must come into play as new behavior is woven and the old cut out? And what if it’s similar to the mask worn for valid protection in a world of hierarchy: these problematic distanced connections became a standard for safety reasons? How much pain will I cause attempting to reassess the knowledge of my elders? Sure history repeats itself and the past is not glorified, surely different cultivates and yet the healthy fear I lacked at 12 has grown mighty at these 36 years…