I haven’t really discussed this before with anyone as it falls under the ‘don’t speak ill of the dead’ clause but there this anger and reflection of things coming to a head in society, so I must release personally before it chokes me.

See, the brother that was murdered was only brother by marriage. Before that occurred, we were the reason our parents met. Friends to what middle schooler’s call dating. By the time they were married it was friends again. Yet before that, I trusted him. And shared a first with him. Not full on sex, but a big deal to a kid who had been purity shamed for developing early physically.

Only he wasn’t trustworthy. He didn’t have my back repeatedly and even added to the abuse I received at home many times. But more than that, he gossiped about what I shared, and likely about things I didn’t do with a lie. He told his cousins.

So, after he was murdered; my adult cousins who felt entitled to what he had gotten: they took it.

For months after the year of stalking ended in a double murder and suicide, I was passed around so my mother could support the step father that wanted to know why I was not dead too. My cousins who felt entitled per social hierarchy took what they wanted. Their friends got a chance and did too. 

I was a child. 

Never had sex willingly.

When I look at the abuse and stalking I am still facing, all I can see is gossip and entitlement to access with control.

This pattern of betrayal has snowballed into a whole life oppressed by other’s belief systems.

I pay for their demands with failure to function followed by society using that as more rationale to abuse.

Meanwhile, I also know that millions of other women are facing the same things.

If that weren’t true a pedophilia ring wouldn’t be more protected than medicaid.