A little story about how repressed wounds might make your hurtful action seem like it is to blame for all of another’s repressed pain:

As a child, like many, I lacked all rt to autonomy. When my family wanted to tickle me they would do so, even when I said ‘no’. Despite my finger tip bruising. They were ex amused if I had what then seemed like an asthma attack but I now know was an MCAS reaction to the adrenaline dump from the pain& extra action of lung tissues swelling & tearing in laughing.

From this childhood of saying ‘no’, having valid physical negative responses, and still being told it was loving attention to occur, I learned that some love was acceptably harmful. 

Don’t lecture and shame me. I am autistic but more than that I am human and I like everyone else had what I was exposed to and nothing else. Multiple babysitters had similar standards, esp the christian cult one. I was taught ignoring consent through socially accepted as positive touch was love.

Needless to say socially this was not accepted in the larger scope. So time and time again I was rejected for it. Socially punished, righteously. 

But it didn’t make sense to me how I could be ostracized and shamed when the men who held me down and did so much worse, were defended. 

Then it clicked, these people I tickled, their nervous system wasn’t only responding to me ignoring thier consent, it was connecting my act to others they may not be willing to/able to remember Because the mind will save the self even while the body remember the feeling to protect self. Its like a cognitive dissonance around the event that allows for the body to react while the mind needent process. 

Unfortunately, that sticks the body in places where the simplified version of the trauma’s impact hits the same, sometimes even snowballing if the mind percieves danger enough to maintain repressive behavior standards. 

Thusly explaining why occassionally these people who already socially harmed me through school, still seek me out. 

Their mind doesn’t feel safe enough to address the root harm, and I am the target meant to catch all the pain someone else caused them.

Meanwhile, the whole way I learned to act that way back then was by being harmed myself.

Hurt people hurt people.

Sometimes even in the way we love. 

We are but human

Permanent judgement and punishment 

in the face of changed behaviors 

is a sign of 

an abusive nature

chosen from 

a hidden hurting space.

+noting part of the point here is that people value male autonomy so much that tickling validates abusing me for 20+ years but when I was r’ped people still don’t believe me or care to punish who did it to me.