Idk that you do understand. You say terrible things to and about children about their actions and thats what forms their belief systems about self; in my case, to the point of feeling I had no choice, but to be that person that you decided I was to the point of ignoring real illness and injuries. After-all objecting and attempting to explain is termed as disrespect. 

I not only embraced what you  believed about me to be true; I continued to decide I knew people better than they knew themselves. While psych studies have enlightened me to human behavioral patterns the fact remains that “typical” is not applicable to all which means that even if I am accurate for many, the person before me is an individual and has a right to speak for themselves. Not allowing them to do so removes their identity which means I’m not connecting with them but insisting self omnipotent. 

Now based on how the grands have done the same to me I can safely assume this is something you too had to face. 

The authoritarian parenting style of seen and not heard leaves no room for the child to be an individual who exists outside of what their parents want them to be. You fought your way into your career, which would of been needed as a female of your generation anyway, but at some point it must have gotten easier as granpa became willing to talk mechanics with you after shoving you away from it in your childhood.

I am sorry for saying more. I’m not upset with you, but I do want to clarify my point for our sake. This is something I struggle with as trauma insists I can predict reality when in fact, while people can be predictable, deciding for them leaves no room to actually know them. People I love and still failed to make enough space to know authentically, even you in many cases. 

That name isn’t me; I am. That name is all those things people who didn’t make room for me decided I was and while I understand why the past happened, I also know the future doesn’t have to repeat unless I dismiss the pain and keep doing the same on repeat. 

I’m not trying to hurt you, just to point out things that hurt me and others by my own lips. Even writing this to you allows me a deeper understanding of the impact I have made on others. Trying to find a way to help us be closer while reminding myself that who I am is not limited to even my attempts to cultivate identity. 

Sincerely,

 me

for the readers: I doubt I will ever send this. I have tried for years to get her to hear. She cannot through her own trauma or parental hierarchy or ableism or even the inability to tolerate the pain of hurting someone else, who knows: only her. I get it; so maybe someone else can learn something that improves their future.

A note aside…Deciding someone is too traumatized to be separate from it encages them in the abuse they are trying to escape. Assuming you know why they do what they do based on their past is preventative of them existing beyond your predisposed belief systems and limits. Ask why, let them make their own choices, treat them like humans and watch as they move past the trauma you finally let go.