Just woke from a dream that I didn’t realize was a trauma until the dream. Yea thats how CPTSD be 😦

Several years ago when I could still work I thought I had a male friend in another deptartment. He had shown romantic interest but I had just escaped an abusive relationship and I was not interested in dating accordingly and told him so. He said he was glad to be my friend and I believed him. I left no open window for more.

A few months pass and I got home from college to find a suic!de note in my mailbox with a gift attached.

I called and called with no avail so I drove straight over. Of course he wouldn’t answer the door. I didn’t want to involve the police and had never met his parents so I went to the apartment lease office and asked them to let me in on emergency basis. She was weirded out but allowed it after she saw the note.

We burst in he is in a towel and acts like nothing is happening; I charge right through as my heart continued to flip flop around with pots and adrenaline: there it was his razor blade bath all lined up with water running.

He let me take him to a hospital. (Back in the day I believed mental hospitals helped. I had attempted a few times myself and was on huge doses of drugs that numbed me without helping the real issue (pots).) His parents came as we waited. They immediately blamed me…

see it was all my fault their baby boy was depressed: Yea you read right the person that prevented him within moments of taking his life was now the fault bearer.

See had I ‘only dated him’. Had I been his girlfriend and been sexual w/ him HE would have been happy. How dare I reject their boy & expect friendship! /sarcasm

Dude hung out with me like my best friend at a time when one of mine from HS was gossiping and abandoning me… I thought he was a friend. I thought he was okay with rejection and I never saw otherwise as he smiled. He never talked to me again. Six months and a friendship over. I used the gift he gave me but wouldn’t take back until it fell apart. Longing for what seemed like a loss but was always a manipulation apparently.

See things trigger memories for me so I wallowed in almost losing him and then actually losing him for years. My friendship the problem. 

What if someone forced me to a mental hospital? Nearly every time I have been in one it was because someone caught me. I once thought they were places for healing but now I see them as stigma places that train repression under the threat of permanent lose of autonomy. If this happened now I would sit with him. Through the night until we talked it out, if he was willing. Making room for his feelings even though its clear there were conflicts of intentions. Just the same I punished myself enough until the item broke.