I am so sick of people

saying it isn’t true.

———

Like I didn’t barely live

———

When I was meant

To play safely.

——

Instead I carried blame

Especially when her days

Were too much.

—————

Or if mine were… I had better cry alone,

or she would find a reason for me to cry.

——-

But she denies it all.

———

Even the military perfectionism 

that had me cleaning 

the same spot on repeat

supposedly a figment

of my imagination,

even as eds reveals dysgraphia valid.

———

I was doing my best.

———

When another pointed it out

She would proclaim

They should see me at home.

I was really a terror.

——-

When I cared about our lack

And asked for help from a teacher,

She found out 

And denounced the truth

Letting students target me

Even more than they already did.

——-

She would defend me fiercely at school,

Until she married anyway.

———-

But at home, 

She would say things

Confirming what she had justly 

defended me against.

———-

I had bruises and welts

From her hardest days.

But she would say

It was my disrespectful

Questions or facial expression.

———

When I longed to understand

To help her sadness

To stop the madness. 
————-

I prayed regularly that she would find

A happily ever after

Since I made her so miserable.

——-

Of course I hoped that came with safety…

And maybe even a loving father.

———

Instead it came with an overlord,

Who punished me

For defending myself

From his son

Boxing my ears

And calling my mother a whore

With a stick I didn’t know how to pick out properly.

———-

A man who knew his daughter

Had just crushed my foot with her heal

But only cared his son got her back

So he beat him down a hill

Kicking

After picking him up by his throat

For trying to explain

She did it first.

———

When I notified dhs,

As by this point 

I knew their deaths were eminent,

Everyone lied but me.

Telling the school once more

It was really a me problem.

———-

All while she maintained the habit

Of parentification 

Simultaneously 

Blaming me

For trying to split them up.

———-

I can’t count how many face slaps,

But remember the one when I was 18,

As she bloodied me the final time

For speaking up for my little brother and sister.

See she had started the screaming patterns

And he his physical abusive righteousness

And I couldn’t bear it.

———

I didn’t stop much,

Listening to a ten year old

Say his daddy needs to beat him more

Because thats love…

———

My college age heart broke,

And let their lack of support

Where I was with good work

and a broke down car,

Bring me back,

Thinking I could help.

——-

Only my life only got worse.

——-

The real red herring

Her demanding I live under her roof

to get co-signed support

making a purchase with a lower paying job

that hurt my body,

all because she didn’t want to trust me.

———

Finding out my cousin

Abused her own

Sickened me to my core

So I told

Begged my mother to help

It stop.

Years later something finally was done

Because my little cousin

Showed up bloodied

On a door step.

———-

She adopted them:

Four children all kin.

So I paid for a painting

To welcome them,

But she wouldn’t let me include them.

——

Slowly they abuse the boy

Blaming him until they validated sending him away.

——-

Same to the eldest girl,

Even though her father was a rapist.

——-

Now they have two.

And dhs refused to defend them.

Like it wasn’t obvious,

Mom never planed to keep them together.

———-

But really where would they go? 
————

At least the hitting had ended.

————

None of this includes

The isolation in traumas

The blame from my cousins, neighbor, and pastor raping me,

The uncle that tried,

Or the other that chased me

Demanding the right to kill me.

————

Doesn’t say anything about holidays 

Of removing children 

From the room

As grown drunk men

Fought over top of them.

———-

Speaks nothing 

of my childish ears 

listening to her 

trash me with my extended family,

Who cared for me 

And benefited from my cleaning

Everytime she needed to send me away,

I was just to much

Still am to this day.

————-

It omits being considered fat

Until I lost the weight as an adult

Then being too thin.

——

Or the babysitters that

abused me too.

————

Or medical neglect

Where teachers sent me home

For the semester

Because they insisted I was lazy.

———

Totally ignores months

Before they were dead

Having him say

‘In the good old days

Kids from previous marriages

Were killed or chased off.”

———-

As well as the first thing he scream upon seeing me:

WHY ISN’T SHE DEAD TOO?!

———-

I wasn’t worth defending or

supporting,

To the point that when I was ready to remove myself

For them

They blamed mental illness

While demanding full

Release for how harmful it was

To be screamed at

Just for living.

————

It leaves out years of trying my best

But being disabled

And undiagnosed

Yet demanded lazy

Instead of investigating.

———-

I’ll never forget how what few

Understandings I had

Left when he came

Suddenly, nothing I knew

About me was true.

———

I just ‘wanted attention’

I succeeded so I must not be struggling

Who cares how badly my hands hurt

After write offs 

In an attempt to

Overcome those disabilities

She suddenly dismissed

For a marriage to a man

Who wanted me to rub him.

———

While simultaneously 

Telling me how shameful

My body was

That I shouldn’t want to make

MY MOM JEALOUS

BY TRYING TO GET HIS ATTENTION.

———-

I was not safe at home.

And before long

Those hard working

Vacations elsewhere

Stopped offering

Solace too.

——-

Everyone believed them.

I was born a nothing.

——-

And they still think 

I should call this man dad.

———

Even when he insured 

I knew

That rape meant 

No man

Could ever love me.