They met me online. As I failed to connect with more groups people even though we shared facets. Our connection grew over time. The bad things in my life stacked up. They continued to show support even when either of us faced overwhelm or shut down. Even when we disagreed. Even when our lives were too much for even self to say.

It became obvious I was living in a dangerous situation. I was avoidant but also lost on the ability to relocate due to economic and physical limits. They offered to help. Over and over again for months before I finally agreed to it. Before the harmful acts on my physical self were too harmful to bare further. Even then, the whole month I prepared to leave I asked repeatedly if they were sure. If their partner was sure. To each individually. As a group. My gut told me it wasn’t okay… but both confirmed their readiness to help me.

Finally arrived and for a short time we met eachother’s needs. Communication seemed to be happening even forgiveness after meltdown and difficulties/differences. As time went on things became clearer. That freedom fog and rosé colored glasses I had used to overcome my health issues began falling off as my boundaries were pushed and I was blamed for it. Passive aggressive behaviors began growing from their side and it became impossible for me to stop retaliation.

One day I came up and found them fighting. I had just walked the dog and was dizzy: I had to go in. One yelling, the other in cower. My pets both a quiver. My nervous system entering the same, as it was already exhausted. I attempted to mediate. Came down to boundaries and needing down time, though alone time wasn’t communicated ahead of time, thusly causing triggered ruckus to ricochet between them. The plunder snowballed, but my entrance shifted it, for the time.

Similar things kept reoccurring. My boundaries going unmet by one party by majority. False promises to spend time together met with animosity when I aired my sadness with not having a chance to know them better. Three times no follow through, I gave up asking as they would always say yes until the moment of, and then bail out, shaming me for being hurt by the remaining solitude.

Argument after screaming tantrum, the truths between us came forward. Each admitting to me privately they wouldn’t be with the other had the disease and history not been present. It shattered me. Obligation in place of love felt similar to pain being equated: empty. The one I was closest to came to admit they wanted me around so their partner wouldn’t be alone once they were gone. That sounded like love, and yet now I was a pawn.

They had helped me but it was with the intention of positioning me to serve their goals. Sure I would of adored a new friend, but they were fairly clear, in many exchanges, they did not seek to connect deeper with me even before I came to live close.

The same one that did not want interconnection with me was glad to reveal they had hoped I would help ease their stress by spending time with their partner, allowing them their own down time. This explained the resentment for seeking outings with them. All said in scream.

I think I would rather a drunk weep the truth to me. Two people who had/have many aspects I admire both functioning with me as an idea, not a real breathing human. I ask myself what I could of done differently and all I can see is three hurting people trying to connect and meet our needs the ways we knew how. One didn’t want to connect and used ever passive tool they could to tell me, as I lived in their home where they had repeatedly reassured I was welcome prior to my arrival. It was clear to me my only option to honor them both was to leave.

They each helped with a hotel room for awhile. Winter here is no joke. I was grateful my family came through, even though they did not support my relocation or my belief systems. I have nothing to offer any of these people in exchange for their help: does that mean it all was unconditional love? Was their choices to find another to fill the unmet need gap just another way to say “I love you” between the two? I think so to all of the above…

I tried to stay connected with the person that had been so long a friend. Their sickness was getting worse; the combination of triggers consumed my ability to overcome myself enough to hear them. Even once housed, I turned away from them. They repeatedly told me they forgave me, communicated with me, invited me to do really cool things, and yet, its been months and I can’t forgive myself.

At their funeral, I failed to connect to their partner again. I longed to comfort each other but they did not want me there: it was clear when they commented with glee that I was attending with an invitation for a special spiritual cast off that never came to be. . . Even blatantly leaving me on read when I checked months after just in case they forgot. I guess I will never have the chance to redeem my failure to see them for the other…which goes both ways.

Time reveals the truth

Of any word spent.

So many words

I have heard

This time alive.

So few were meant,

And yet time and time again,

I miss it when they are,

Still caught on when they’re not.

Why can’t I find a way

To live for today?

Ps from my grief: I wonder how many times they said ‘they wouldn’t be connected if it weren’t for the cancer’ before the other started repeating it. Is it really caretaking if guilt is applied as thick as icing?