I will be forever grateful to the black man who bought my piece called ‘blood on my hands’ as it helped me attempt an escape to another state. I told him it was about grief but no more than that. 

See it was about survivor’s guilt and my lost brother and sister who had been murdered after we had all been stalked for over a year. 

But in the context it was sold in, it may have seemed like whyte guilt…

See a black woman I thought had chosen to support me, orchestrated an art sale at her beautiful church. 

I was still in the part of my life where I ignored being mocked openly because I had been raised to think that was affection. She had spoken down about me directly to my face and I accepted her opinion separated from my truth, and focused on my appreciation for her connection.

There were moments I thought I was being helpful, that looking back seemed more like me trying to take advantage of her or even insulting how she maintained her home. 

So it’s very unfair for me to seem like a victim here because I was not in some ways. I didn’t see how harmful my patterns were because they were the only way people had allowed me to participate in connection. 

And she definitely helped me in many ways when I had nothing…

All that said, that art show was wrong of me to participate in. This was the only piece I remember selling. She never bought my art and when I gave her one her nose curled at it. 

I can clearly see that me asking them to support me was harmful simply because of the systemic racial reality, which I knew if then, but thought on some level that chosen friendship washed it away.

But it’s a stain people of color are reminded of everyday.

No matter my depravity, my florescent flesh highlights that truth, no matter my underground railroad ancestors or attempts to speak up when things are wrong in front of me. 

I am sure it seemed like I was full of audacity, when really I was acting out trauma embodied. Sometimes the most obvious things slip by in moments of desperate need.

So in my mind, this painting will forever mean survivor guilt inclusive of a system murdering POC, women, the disabled, and the poor every chance it gets.