Goodness me, oh my! This is a hot topic. Stemming from an obsessive concern for lack. Talk about inherited trauma: I bet that one goes back to the beginning for us all regardless of group.

Racism being the forefront of the battle currently. It is systematic and a constant for many world wide. It’s part of why corporations feel safe enslaving other nations. It’s also one of the first types of hate I openly questioned.

As a child of a single mother, we struggled financially. My exposure of different humans was consistent from both government housing and the military involvement. Arriving in Kentucky for preschool, things changed. I noticed how people treated the prettiest girl in the class. When mother picked me up I asked her about why people were so distant from her. The response I still can not grasp: she doesn’t belong to either that made her, white or black. So people will always be against her.

Her eyes were a light blue green. Her voice sweet. She was kind. Willing to play with me, unlike most others. (You see I was different, too. Not in skin but in size and physical maturity.)

To me, all flesh is like fun wrapping paper. When I see a human, I seek out the thing I love most to focus on when conversing. Even now, through all my trauma, I see zero correlation in flesh appearance with behavior. Everything we are is a conditioned choice; there are even studies supporting this in genetics proving behaviors do shift what’s at our core.

What we exposed self to is what we accept. The more we watch and engage with only what represents self the less we accept the differences humanity has to offer. With this in mind, I began to push the edges to things I was choosing to not participate in. What I found out about myself revealed self fears, along with ways I hurt people around me that matter most.

I do very much still exhibit conditioned racist behaviors. Regardless of my true beliefs, I reenact things taught to me by people around me. Social behavioral learning. It’s a standard of learning mammal wide. I am disgusted by myself when I notice it. The more I educate myself on the matter, expose myself to alternative media, the more obvious my racist behaviors become to me. While it is incredibly stressful to be exposed to my own faults, starting to act out from my true beliefs feels better all over.

I am ageist. Sooooooo ageist. Ironically, I prefer the older generation. I hold them in some kind of esteem that hides their humanity. I am cruel sometimes to the youth. Assuming their ignorance when I know for a fact it’s not consistent with my experience as a youth that knew more that I could communicate. Assuming the younger are better at technology as if they aren’t human, too. Realizing its all reflections to how I have been treated in my life. Hurt people hurt people after-all. Someone has to decide to end it though. So here I am reflecting. Exposing myself to various medias from other ages. Honoring my pain by letting myself relate. This space clears that fog, and now my behavior has room to shift. Sometimes we have to make room for our own experiences ignored in order to hold space for engagement with another in a similar space.

Yes, I’m sexist. I get a little mad at myself about this one. I hurt myself with it. I hurt many with it. Have for years. Undoing gender behavioral bias and recognizing all humanity is equal and deserves to be on all levels. It’s hard enough being human without impossible roles being projected from behaviors to interactions and expectations. We all deserve better. I’m determined to own my whole humanity. Perfectly pleased with my birth assignment. Humanity is a full-size experience. Labels are merely facets of the whole gem. Staying in one or another hurts us all. It’s a lie to self and to the whole to project a single aspect.

I am ableist. It helped me survive for years. Taught it as a standard of living. I see it everywhere now: in myself, in the system, in the way our society engages. This undoing is a real mess. Yet, a gift that grants the space needed to actually accept self. From this space I find myself more compassionate for the whole. When I chose to honor my true needs, it’s much easier for me to grant the same for another. It’s not always treat others how you want to be treated…. You see, we treat others how we treat ourselves.

As one suffering from the classist system, I am most definitely one of them. It’s really funny in an ironic way. I, of course, don’t just judge those with more…. I judge people on the same level as me. Screams so loudly of the totally acceptance I’ve allowed of this broken system that assigns worth to willingness and ability to preform for a capitalistic system that does not take care of those exerting their existence for the sake of the other. So many don’t believe in this aspect of our society. “People get what they work for” is the deep story echoed. Unfortunately, it’s not accurate in a system that steals, lies, and cheats people out of equality. Look at public education budgeting alone. What subjects are supported? Who has adequate equipment? Which careers are frowned on and shamed for being desired?

What’s hurting us even more is the classism in medicine. Insurance companies decide what a person is worth. What medicine they can have. What tests. My own experiences have revealed a requirement for waiting in illness to gain treatment. Once treated immediately when I turned up with my common lung struggle, I now have to wait till it’s full blown pneumonia. The only difference is that I no longer have two jobs and great insurance. Classism is teaching the poor to not trust medicine or themselves. It almost feels like medical gaslighting. How many are dying and unable to heal to become of more use because of a system that is looking the other way?

And so from this suffering, I pass it one to the next. Even though I know it’s broken and untrue. I struggle engaging with those who don’t suffer from it, especially if they refuse to acknowledge my experience as truth. Seems to only reinforce the reality that is classism. Even those who call me friend don’t value my words enough to see their privileges keep them safe in these pandemic times.

I post this in shame. Because I have given way to that human aspect that is pain begets pain. The most beautiful shift inside is growing from it though. I feel more seen by me. This is an act of total acceptance of my humanity. Owning these faults makes space for changing them. Exposing these pains are exactly how I intend to change their reality. May it change how I engage with those around me as well. We are all worth more than ignoring our humanity. Even the faults accepted grant the fertilizer needed for growth!