Being support-ive/ed is a basic need to give and receive. No one wants to stand by the wayside and watch as another struggles, even strangers can feel compelled to act with a ‘hand up’. Only ‘up’ is relative, thusly complicating the compulsive comforting. Especially in a culture that has missed serious notes of consent in place of social control.

I had a recent experience that illustrated how clearly consent is an issue across genders. Though my traumatic history has pushed a narrative that focuses on men ignoring consent, the full truth is that its not explicitly present in the male population, its a global social issue. Logic grants this truth when stereotypes are released and humanity acknowledged, but to someone traumatized, the brain creates firm truth in painful experiences however they are understood at the time of the event. This can create internal conflict through multiple events that have conflicting data…until someone makes a conscious choice to step back and really assess their personal operating system.

Yes, community can help this process, once support systems are established as reliable constants. The trick is with how feedback can be constructive without causing further harm.

It can happen naturally in ‘healthy’/tolerance zone doses: people allowing ‘problems’ to surface while addressing them individually as time passes. Conflict is very personal, like chemicals reacting specifically to other chemicals. In this way, slowly naturally occurring differences can allow graceful acceptance through allowing the conflict and personal choice to adjust. This creates built in consent as communication is at least a two party gig. In other words, in growth oriented conflict all versions of the truth are upheld, valued, and addressed. This type of growth takes time and makes everyone allows vulnerability and accepting accountability.

Orchestrated change/growth/support is something that has been developed culturally to meet needs that are missed by unfortunate circumstances that occur naturally in life. This is the basis of the field of psychology… well husbands claiming to want to ‘help’ their wives is… so really the basis is -ismed based control. Putting that aside, but not too distant as its vital to remember that manipulative control without autonomy is rooted deeply in the field that now truthfully intends to help the hurting. This means that some of the most established theories function from a space of removing autonomy in the name of a ‘better’/‘wiser’ authority.

One problem is no one can know another person better than they know themselves. So no matter how educated the lead, their best information is fully reliant on whatever the “patient” can reveal. As trauma can cause total memory gaps, even long term sessions are unreliable to create a safe psychological environment lead by the doctor/therapist. This is really well illustrated in this article: Public Health Interventions with Harms and Benefits: A Graphical Framework for Evaluating Tradeoffs – PMC. The scientists here did the best they could to predict what would impact the outcomes of interventions on the economy to the health of the whole, yet they didn’t account for an obvious variable from my pov: people who add salt in when their already established levels of intake are not met. If scientists that have spent their entire lives can miss the obvious truth of autonomy meeting the ability to add back that which they remove from processed food, how can they predict the impact of psychological levels of manipulation?

Yes, I call it manipulation because their training is largely based on reframing the person’s perspective. Its the age old idea that the person is the problem and not the fact that something happened that shouldn’t as that allows personal power more immediately than to take time addressing the social problems. In this way society has managed to escape accountability for all types of abuses. Heck, there are even psychological theories that dispel all reality to systemic -isms via claiming those beings that have observed it are suffering from psychosis. As if wheel chair ramps have been made for actual ease of access. (For those of you uninformed, most ramps are too steep for ease of entry, as the turning spaces are not wide enough for the majority of wheelchairs…just an illustration that the ramps were never designed for use, but for show.) I used ableism as it is the easiest to see an observable physical presentation. All systemic -isms happen, and do so naturally as part of our evolution from a barely surviving species to a civilized community. Stereotypes an automated survival response for ease of judgement for safety/survival. Psychology has just found a way to dismiss those reporting it.

Back to the experience at hand: a few years back I participated in an online group for female empowerment and healing. I had hopes during the pandemic to utilize online resources as a means of survival with a hopeful benefit of healing and connecting with others when isolation was a shared experience. Though I have never bought into the stereotypes, the idea that one could access community via a single facet seemed fairly standard socially. Most the information shared felt supportive until a group exercise started to become pressured onto me.

This exercise was done weekly. I had yet to even join the more casual and fun zooms, when one of my posts was commented on similarly by a few members: something like ‘I can’t wait for you to take the center seat in ——-night’. To me it read like people ready to attack, just waiting for the right circumstances to make it socially acceptable. My post had been one seeking support in my solitude and wave of depression, but instead I realized support wasn’t waiting, just people that wanted the opportunity to speak ‘at me’ as opposed to ‘with me’. The whole exercise was fairly simple: one member confesses their biggest belief burden and people take a step forward sharing how that belief hits their experiences. Ie they take a small piece of someone’s story, judge it as if they know every piece, and then rain down their opinions with supposed experiences accompanying. (I say supposed because when people drop personal pronouns and actual details the stories sound more fictional manipulations than their reality. I am sure some of the experiences are real…)

Needless to say after these comments I felt less interested in connecting and eventually dropped the group entirely. I sighted financial reasons as I avoided allowing myself to feel the pain of a group of people announcing their intentions to judge me. Or perhaps they were revealing they already had…either way, I hadn’t spent enough time with anyone in the group for it to be in any way informed perspectives. Their beliefs and words were already formed, what use was it to continue, so I left, feeling unheard to the point of not even letting myself feel the betrayal add in to my already established sense of not belonging/being the problem.

Probably better to not tell a famous author that is by majority helping people with reflections and support. We all have shortfalls, and while for a period of time I attempted to correct those I had once followed blindly/fully accepting, at this juncture I recognized how toxic it was for me to tell people why there was no space for my truth in their teachings. Their teachings help and apply to others, helping many, my experiences only cause harm to their cause simply because my needs are different. So I was at peace and still enjoying what I could learn from the spaces that had some harmful belief systems, just sans paying for the extras that allowed real connections formed.

Living in a new area means looking for new spaces to enjoy and grow in. So I found this neat little place that cultivates community through a beautiful rainbow of inclusive practices. I have attended a few of their events and most recently chose one that was specifically women oriented. The rules were listed on the information. Clearly stated that no rescuing or judgement. Though I knew the latter is impossible, the intention not to makes room for the possibility of being heard. The event resembled the supportive intention of the previous group but had words that protected autonomy and prevented targeted/spotlighting communication that was the focus of the other. In other words, its resembled a place of psychological safety in intention.

Mind you the first attempt at attending this event, I didn’t show up at the last minute. So the second time came and I was even a little excited. Hopeful at the words and the many licenses presented by the person hosting. The trauma authority with the allowance for autonomy and consent. It was too good to be true. That alone dulled me and slowed me for the day. Just the same I arrived on time ( in my opinion which means ten early). I missed the sign saying to enter in another way thusly disturbing a group meeting. Pressure internally was already building from many facets hope and fear included, but now C-ptsd entered the equation. Already.

I find the right room after hunting. Last minute changes no doubt upsetting for the host, I attempt to ground before even walking in, but right away I caught her wave. Then shared my own. Bathroom conversation nervous rambling occurs and upon my return immediate friction felt, my nervous system sensed tension and judgement. She jokingly comments on my needing to ground… then she asks me to help, gladly I accept, stepping out. I curse my ears and people’s choice to wait no time at all to speak once they think someone is far enough away.She explained to her cohost I needed to move to ground for my already present trauma levels. Betrayed my confidences from go. Still, I came back and eagerly handed her the lighter, but she rejected: I found it the moment you stepped out. It clicked the errand had been a psychological manipulation to get me to move my body because in her opinion that was what I needed to calm down. And my nervous system certainly looked it now, as it registered to me as yet another place that felt safe to play with puppet strings as opposed to allowing me to save myself. She had immediately violated her claim to not rescue. To not take control or force unwelcome advice as I had clearly dismissed her initial words by saying ~ I’m dealing with it already thanks. She confirmed this interpretation during her introduction by suggesting she would move at any point to help her trauma release. Its interesting what people assume you don’t know as they puppet you. My body still hasn’t repaired since a surgery, movement is not what I need. But why should I need explain myself to someone who not only didn’t care to ask but also assumed ignorance?

As I sat listening, I realized her group was inclusive of the teachings I had learned not long ago. I noted a few others I had come across. The connections undeniable. My nervous system settled totally into freeze from the fawn that was triggered in the initial dismissal of my autonomy.

She offered tea, told us the ingredients, though I smelled one extra, perhaps I was wrong about the black tea being included, but whatever she used caused a quick increase in adrenaline/blood pressure. I didn’t drink much but couldn’t sleep until two am, though other things could contribute consuming shared items has always brought solace/connective feelings and is not a trigger in itself. The trouble is I was once in a hospital that used pork as a primary protein in every meal while rewarding those who ate it. Pork is high in sodium and raises blood pressure… ie making patients more sensitive to manipulation and even mood agitation. Her being aware of herbs and given them prior to an event sounds so close to this type of physiological manipulation, perhaps once it affected my blood pressure, a trigger was activated.

All that aside, the event began. I shared my piece. Small but tearfully. And it became clear when their stories dropped the personal pronouns, or relative reality ie there was no story anymore it was directly saying things that connected feeling less connected due to self exclusively. Statements that projected one’s ability to change reality based on beliefs. As if I could believe myself into having people that hold space for me or show up to support my hard fought wins. I shared one sentence and their judgement came from all directions. The assumptions came in a full spectrum, even stating I simply lacked enough time in nature.

I felt more alone than ever. The ableist behavior like a wild fire. I sat calmly as their flames licked at me. Words of ignorance attempting my best to detached from their accountability as it is so easy to see someone and want to do everything possible to help immediately. Only nothing changes overnight. Seeds are growing for days before they breech earth’s crust. And this was not helpful, but another event where people pretended to listen before forcing their beliefs about me down my throat via my ears. I couldn’t get out the building before puking verbally. Crying. Failing to communicate clearly with someone waiting for the bathroom. Language the only barrier they saw. Another judgement falls on me as she uses coarse words in another language to describe my attempt to ask if she was in line before me. The hard, swift verbals of the person with the knowledge to cross the barrier in response to my tearful plea about wanting to not cut line. Her natural assumption that my upset was about language….

Just like that misunderstanding happens with carried over emotions. And yet I had just left a room of people using assumptions to offer assistance on limited sentences used to describe how I feel lead by someone with a degree and many trainings that told her she had a right/responsibility to do such a thing.

At one point she discussed having specific people to keep her in check with her passive aggression; did she not realize she was being passive aggressive by creating an event that didn’t honor what it claimed? Ie it was my responsibility to keep her accountable, but she had already made herself clear, only certain people have a right to speak to her about her actions. And I was just some person that paid her in hopes of finding a communal sharing space. The hierarchy clear: she was allowed autonomy and the authority to dismiss my voice, autonomy, and experience entirely.