Funny weird way I was asked to speak on the behalf of a poc’s opinion of a situation. They wouldn’t tell me prior to the talk what it was. So I couldn’t ask someone that was actually a poc ahead of time. I argued that it seemed illogical for me to speak as one. “Rest assured it will be obvious.” And so I waited. The day came. I listened carefully. The question about a member of the KKK. I messaged a friend right away, finger crossed. The confirmation in, I stood against, alone. Never questioned just believed, and behaved accordingly.

More than a year later: grocery shopping. I turn in to see an amputee asking for help. Pan handling. I offered help. Closer he got I realized his leg was covered in rebel flag decor. I gave him what was in my hand anyway. Despite my gut reaction to the hate brand. I know my face showed. And maybe he saw that I chose to see beyond his hate and loved anyway. Did it change anything? For him? For me?

For me, I learned that my idea to punish/ignore the needs of those that hurt others is nothing more than a pedal stool. I learned that I may hurt at the pain caused by another’s hate but that I could not hold it the same way. I learned that I could help someone and still hate myself for it. That sometimes what we think and theory and what we do in action are very different things. From there I unraveled. And yet… I am still the same heart: giving anything I can. I’m just limited more daily and words help me see clearer myself while allowing me space for my humanity.