What a fun day planned. Headed to a hot tub next to a river. A day free from myself with a friend. What glory it seemed to of been! Then a call. I can hear the yelling of control from a husband uninformed. My fault? Not at all. Just the same rag doll self dragged along as I seek companionship.

The county we were in was one I was raised up in. The cops serious about their speed laws and my friend’s frustration causing destructive driving. I asked her to slow down. I offered to drive while she texted. I explained how the cops were serious. She ignored me. Sped on anyway. Jerks here and there. Punishment that felt like so many times in my childhood when I asked the wrong questions. Here I was again.

Naturally, I packed my bowl. So little on me. But I needed just so I could breathe again. Didn’t matter when the blue lights went flash that it had been away for 20 minutes and I was finally zen.

My friend placed her unclean pipe between her thighs. It warmed the thick resin into a nasty scent that was unrecognizable. The cops insisting we had methamphetamine. My laugh ringing out at such a preposterous preposition.

My friend had kids. The cops asked for honesty so I came forth. She wouldn’t be removed from her children if I could help it. They patted us down. No way they couldn’t smell it between her thighs as they bent down. But they didn’t pat there on her. Absolutely did to me.

Charges brought against me. She swore she would help. Plans to blow off steam. My home a safe shelter from the husband that I had heard lose it on the phone too many times for one day to consider her home safe. Accusations from him, I didn’t know who to believe. Her husband beat at my door. Threatening. Her friendship conditional on taking from me and her lack of safety. She lay on my couch with another man giggling while I lay alone crying as the videos and physical feelings of all the traumas triggered from the days events. Day of court calling me wailing and hanging up. My heart breaks. What can I do anyway? As one that’s been abused I know it’s us that must walk away. Courtroom: they look the other way. She took what I had to offer and didn’t look back.

A church helped me pay the debt made by the sacrifice of self for her and the medicine for me. Kind of them and grateful me. Set me up for some rather heavy prejudgements. Good thing self love comes from the inside. I know who I am. I worked hard to help; eventually exhausted I became someone who is done tolerating people who assume instead of exchange. Enough has been taken here. My grace granted space for the most injured of us.

I, too, am one of the whole. Alas, I’ll have to pass on exposure to those who feel itchy from the beginning. For now that may be everyone. That’s okay. After so many extensions, it’s natural for one to need rest when there is so little left that my nervous system is electric fire. People who are safe hold space judgeless because they too know their humanity is flawed.