Reasons I’ve considered suicide:

Abandonment from my father

Emotional abandonment from my mother

Learning about fragile X abortions (I am pro choice… until that choice is conditional love. The choice to terminate females is present as well…. Wtf humans: eugenics again? Really?! Have we really reverted to that degree of ignorance of genetic consequence?! Are we really going to be that barbaric?! What happened to civilization… accepting humanity as valuable, each cell serving the whole body?!)

Not having close friendships/relationships

Survivors guilt x3

Rapes x5 (I was 18 months the first molestation with a stick. Still, my religious beliefs told me I was dirty and I believed. Never chased. Even a youth pastor abused his power….)

Religious standards (Yea… Christ is far more compassionate than the community compels most often in my experiences.)

Being unable to connect with self &others

Being so different that even the masked me fails to shift my experience

Hearing negative responses to me consistently regardless of engagement (always too something because ableism is real)

Ableism

Sexism

Racism- yea I’m fucking disgusted by my skin color. Everytime I learn a new fact about racism I want to carve again. So glad for tattoos.

All inequality worldwide actually. My special interest-suffering caused by the people I’m associated with…. Yea that self loathing runs deep.

Doing three times the effort and finding out I’m being paid less than a newer, younger employee of the opposite gender. (I was only 24 at the time….)

Feeling unheard

Feeling unsafe to speak

Exclusion from group engagement

The whispers people have aside me about me. (Good hearing and a need for stimulation is my greatest curse)

Letting the hopelessness get to me

Staying still too long (yes even a surgery or illness can lead me to struggle. Too much time thinking not enough experiencing.)

Medication… so many cause me to have a sudden mood shift sometimes anger… sometimes … this.

All these reasons why. So funny. I hated that series even came out in media. And yet, as I reflect inside myself I see what I need. What we all need. There are other ways to exist in this world. Silently suffering will always lead to the spiral of destruction. Internalizing leads to other health issues. So many varieties of illnesses are caused from repression beyond the mental aspects:heart to immunity without debate. Some studies look at brain and cancer as well.

The point of all this being. My possibly egotistical and ableist survival technique that has time and time again kept me here is that my experience is for the whole. My willingness to share is entirely my life boat. Furthermore, I know deep in my soul that moments pass. Even the long ones. I’m learning how to embrace these emotions I’ve ran from in order to survive. No shame. We do what we must to mush forward. Just the same, with each willingness to feel, each desire to end it all releases just a little more. The weight of my pains lightens with each exploration.

So take this for what you will. All trauma is valid no matter the internal or societal judgement. Your pain is valid. Please know the moment will end. Sometimes it does take a personal choice to wait for the moment to pass, accept self, to feel, to ask for support, to move, eat… we all have different needs. We are all worth discovering and having them met. Just do it for you already. Who knows who you’re example will save.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/