Knowing good and well large groups and loud noises are overwhelming for my CPTSD: I chose to attend the social gathering celebrating a holiday I do not support. I pretended to drink heavily. Mixed my drinks weak. I did have my sativa but it actually magnifies things in the long run. Regardless, I soaked it in. Deep belly breathing to activate the poly vagal nerve. My mind set at tolerating the overwhelming nerve responses to every loud bang, to trying to track conversations, or being touched and not letting it drag me down the drain into grumpy space. Letting myself laugh as loudly as I wanted because fuck their polite social games….

You see this CPTSD is like a cage to me and laughter is one of the few ways I can get out of it. I want to be me again. Choosing to face these terrors is one of many ways I need to gain tolerance again. Isolation further is only increasing the gravity of the pain. I am my own trap. The adrenal overload leads to select mutism. Before long the fawn bursts “free”. All night I fought myself: determined to be me between all the various screams internally.

Why would I? Many ask because most embrace the relish of safe zones. That answer is easy: no where is safe for me. My brain has deemed most spaces a threat is present. Knowing the law makes it harder: I’ve yet to see it protect the victim. Regardless, I’m digging around my pain, attempting to retrain my brain. Alas, the snap back is real. The rest to repair the exposure. The need for external support. It’s amazing how much touch can help: if you’re used to it enough to have it. The answer apparent: longterm exposure is cure to the overload preventing the life wanted.